Is it wrong to have random sex with people that are just your friends? I'm talking long term friends. They're not going anywhere. But the release is what is desired by the both of you. It could be a nice sport, while your true love is working or out of town. Is that wrong? Or is that life and it's ok? Maybe we shouldn't stifle ourselves like we do. Maybe we are blocking a joy, a peace of mind, that doesn't have to be so elusive. I understand open marriages, yet I'm not evolved enough to fully operate in it. There may have to be some special guidelines for me.
Sometimes I really love being a waitress. I love meeting the new people and making them feel loved and filling their bellies. Other times I despise being a servant. Despise. Moodiness has always been my shadow.
My brother and his wife's in vitro fertilization didn't take yesterday. Pure devastation. I keep feeling like it's a mistake. Like I need to talk to the doctor and get real confirmation. I'm so sorry. Why does stuff like this happen to two people that would be the best parents ever? Or does everything happen for a reason and maybe they didn't need to be parents at all? Maybe there are un seen and un foreseen reasons for this obstacle. I know on some level, I feel more than ever the need to procreate. I feel a pressure on me to deliver the McDowelle seed. Sigh
I worry way too much about things I can't control. On this tv show, I worry about coming off as an un talented, pushy, mean bitch with ugly hair and an ugly attitude. It consumes me at night and causes insomnia. Lord help me to let it go. Help me to trust in greatness. Help me to remember that the thoughts I choose right now can help to re-shape any outcome that I was worried about. The power we have is that strong. So in this moment.. I choose to use it.
I'm so grateful for spending time with Kam and Keyla yesterday. Oh the joy of a happy 1 year old. It filled my heart up like nothing else can. Thank you.
And what a beautiful date I had last Sunday. G is my current angel. The gift of spirituality, services about Love, gardens, waterfalls, koi fish, books, lunch, pictures, beach, waves, little babies, great conversation, hand holding, Prince, singing, and peace of mind. The day was priceless for me. So healing. I didn't know dates like that were still possible. I'm grateful that someone would take out the time to think all that through for me. I want to pay him back. With more than my body. For some reason, I'm truly not ready for that part yet. It's amazing how unready I usually am when no marijuana is involved. I probably would have slept with 50% less people.. maybe 75% Not saying that that is a good thing or bad. Sometimes experience is the best school a person can go to.
Help me to be a blessing to people. Help me to say and be what is needed to uplift the world. May I utilize the teachings of Yogananda and stay focused on God. Be in love with God. Have a romance with God where I just keep calling him forth. That way I can share the gifts this romance has given me with the world.
I feel this new romance in my life, may require more distance than my soul likes. My emotions need more attention. Funny thing is, two days ago I get a call from an ex I haven't talked to in two years. An ex that use to give my emotions constant attention.. maybe too much. And he asked if I wanted to get married. He said he realized I was the best for him and he wanted to marry me. It felt so good because I too have thought of him over the years. And I admit, it gave me pause. I considered it. I still am in a way. But the truth is, he is still too scattered and searching too much. He's now back in Texas in photography school..kinda sorta with his girlfriend. I don't need that. But I appreciate the beautiful sentiment. It makes a girl feel good. And it gets me in to practice with the man who can really propose. Oh how my heart longs for that day of bliss. I call it forth immediately God. As much as I call you forth.. I call forth this forever union. Fore, it will give me the opportunity to concentrate on you even more.
I love you. I have a perfect heart, love, body, mind, health, abundance, hair, skin, looks, family, friends, patience and joy. All because of you God. And I'm so grateful.
Dreams: In my dreams last night I kissed a girl.. kinda liked it. Pp.C. it was kinda a long kiss. (I can't believe with how "in" it is, that I've never done it) Anyways, I worried afterward if i was good enough. But for the most part in the dream, I enjoyed myself. Also in my dream, I had 2 girlfriends, 2 plus me, living in my grandmothers's house. We each had a room. But I asked to stay in the room with all the hidden rooms..wood roundtable, Big closet, etc. It was a dream place. Interesting that I was living with friends. That may be the best scenario.. with my husband coming home periodically. Maybe that's where I'd find bliss. Oh and a dog or two.
