9/13/12 Morning Thoughts..

As tears of joy fall down my face, I'm so grateful for remembering this love that dwells inside of me.  I'm so grateful for remembering that everything I need resides within me.  It's a fact I've forgotten from 9 years ago.  And for that matter, a fact I've forgotten from before my time here.

But how does one remember this when they are inundated with "the world"?  With tv, with work, with negativity and illusion all around, all abound?

First of all, we must remember that we have no choice.  It is our job, our top priority, our most important daily task, to focus on the God within. For those of you that aren't religious and the word God throws you off.. focus on the peace and stillness within.  Nah, that just doesn't resonate the same.  I think you need to focus on the God within, the Christ, the energy that springs forth and provides more and more love.

We must make this daily desk our number one priority. As soon as our eyes open, we must remember the gift of spirit that has been bestowed upon us.  We must remember that there is nothing we have to find, receive, get back, make  happen, or make someone else do.  Everything we need resides in us.  I know that sounds crazy.  But it is the truth.  The light is within.  All it needs is acknowledgement but make it constant.  Make the acknowledgement of the love inside, the deepest most passionate love affair you ever had.   See and feel it in between your eyes, let your 3rd eye resonate, feel it rising from your heart.  It feels so good.  How did I live without this feeling for so long?

My friends.. I hope you can forgive me for forgetting the presence.  I was no good without it.  I'm so sorry that I got caught up with life.  But it was actually death that I was caught up with.. well separation.  Separation from this beautiful source that provides everything by just an acknowledgement of its presence.

I have no time to stress about anything now that this presence is so strong.

I attribute a lot of this rekindled joy to surrounding myself/dating someone who is in constant communion with "it".  Constantly reminding me of the joy of the love affair with spirit, while simultaneously experiencing the joy of the love affair we have just began.  I'm so grateful for him.  He came at the right time.. well, of course he did.

Thank you Joel S. Goldsmith.. "Leave Your Nets" has inspired me this morning.

9/6/12 Stream Of Consciousness..

Do I just feel things more?  Or do I live more in my emotions without the option of suppression?  Scratch that, I don't think I live in my emotions more.  I think I live in the world's emotions more. Is that what it is?  Do I just deal with a heaviness that most are oblivious to?  I wish I could just take a stroll down to the beach today with not a care in my heart.  Well maybe I can.  At the end, the choice of happiness is up to me.

Is it wrong to have random sex with people that are just your friends?  I'm talking long term friends.  They're not going anywhere.  But the release is what is desired by the both of you.  It could be a nice sport, while your true love is working or out of town.  Is that wrong?  Or is that life and it's ok?  Maybe we shouldn't stifle ourselves like we do.  Maybe we are blocking a joy, a peace of mind, that doesn't have to be so elusive.  I understand open marriages, yet I'm not evolved enough to fully operate in it.  There may have to be some special guidelines for me.

Sometimes I really love being a waitress.  I love meeting the new people and making them feel loved and filling their bellies.  Other times I despise being a servant.  Despise.  Moodiness has always been my shadow.

My brother and his wife's in vitro fertilization didn't take yesterday.  Pure devastation.  I keep feeling like it's a mistake.  Like I need to talk to the doctor and get real confirmation.  I'm so sorry.  Why does stuff like this happen to two people that would be the best parents ever?  Or does everything happen for a reason and maybe they didn't need to be parents at all?  Maybe there are un seen and un foreseen reasons for this obstacle.  I know on some level, I feel more than ever the need to procreate.  I feel a pressure on me to deliver the McDowelle seed.  Sigh

I worry way too much about things I can't control.  On this tv show,  I worry about coming off as an un talented, pushy, mean bitch with ugly hair and an ugly attitude.  It consumes me at night and causes insomnia.  Lord help me to let it go.  Help me to trust in greatness.  Help me to remember that the thoughts I choose right now can help to re-shape any outcome that I was worried about.  The power we have is that strong.  So in this moment.. I choose to use it.

I'm so grateful for spending time with Kam and Keyla yesterday.  Oh the joy of a happy 1 year old.  It filled my heart up like nothing else can.  Thank you.

And what a beautiful date I had last Sunday.  G is my current angel.  The gift of spirituality, services about Love, gardens, waterfalls, koi fish, books, lunch, pictures, beach, waves, little babies, great conversation, hand holding, Prince, singing, and peace of mind.  The day was priceless for me.  So healing.  I didn't know dates like that were still possible.  I'm grateful that someone would take out the time to think all that through for me.  I want to pay him back.  With more than my body.  For some reason, I'm truly not ready for that part yet.  It's amazing how unready I usually am when no marijuana is involved.  I probably would have slept with 50% less people.. maybe 75%  Not saying that that is a good thing or bad.  Sometimes experience is the best school a person can go to.

Help me to be a blessing to people.  Help me to say and be what is needed to uplift the world.  May I utilize the teachings of Yogananda and stay focused on God.  Be in love with God.  Have a romance with God where I just keep calling him forth.  That way I can share the gifts this romance has given me with the world.

I feel this new romance in my life, may require more distance than my soul likes.  My emotions need more attention.  Funny thing is, two days ago I get a call from an ex I haven't talked to in two years.  An ex that use to give my emotions constant attention.. maybe too much.  And he asked if I wanted to get married.  He said he realized I was the best for him and he wanted to marry me.  It felt so good because I too have thought of him over the years.  And I admit, it gave me pause.  I considered it.  I still am in a way.  But the truth is, he is still too scattered and searching too much.  He's now back in Texas in photography school..kinda sorta with his girlfriend.  I don't need that.  But I appreciate the beautiful sentiment.  It makes a girl feel good.  And it gets me in to practice with the man who can really propose.  Oh how my heart longs for that day of bliss.  I call it forth immediately God.  As much as I call you forth.. I call forth this forever union.  Fore, it will give me the opportunity to concentrate on you even more.

I love you.  I have a perfect heart, love, body, mind, health, abundance, hair, skin, looks, family, friends, patience and joy.  All because of you God.  And I'm so grateful.

Dreams:  In my dreams last night I kissed a girl.. kinda liked it. Pp.C.  it was kinda a long kiss. (I can't believe with how "in" it is, that I've never done it) Anyways, I worried afterward if i was good enough.  But for the most part in the dream, I enjoyed myself.  Also in my dream, I had 2 girlfriends, 2 plus me, living in my grandmothers's house.  We each had a room.  But I asked to stay in the room with all the hidden rooms..wood roundtable, Big closet, etc.  It was a dream place.  Interesting that I was living with friends.  That may be the best scenario.. with my husband coming home periodically.  Maybe that's where I'd find bliss.  Oh and a dog or two.

G was funny what he said about cats.  He said he just doesn't feel that they are supposed to be domesticated. It goes against their temperament.  There's some truth in that my love.

I Get It

Is it just me?  I enjoyed Clint Eastwood's speech.  I appreciated the unpracticed improv, straight from the heart.  I enjoyed the uncomfortable stutters of a brilliant 82 year old artist.  He spoke his truth.  Do I agree with him totally?  No!  But I appreciated it, and "I get it."  I get it more then the speeches written by a team of professional speech writers, coaching their specimen on pauses for applause and in fluctuations.  I mean, I usually can't last too long with these oratory diarrhetic spells... But Clint made me pay attention.  And the fact that we are all talking about it today is a success for The Republican National Convention. Twitter is overflowing, Facebook is buzzing.. pop culture has focused on a convention that they are usually oblivious to.  So that's a win. I know we're not talking about Romney's speech, which showed a bit of humanity and was decent. But the big picture is, his name is being mentioned a lot more than it would today, because of Clint's stage performance.. And that has to put a smile on his face.

And while we're talking, before I'm outcasted for giving praise to the Red Party, I will say that I really dig my Barack.  His spirit is so beautiful. It is glaringly clear how much he cares about the United States--about people in general.  And that's all I can ask for.  Well.. I mean, I also ask for the economy and the job situation to be better, less homelessness, less crime, education for all, etc etc.  But it's a great to start to know that the President genuinely cares about us all.  And the thing is, you really can't blame Barack for America not improving "enough" in the past 4 years (although it personally has for me)  No, the U.S. has not drastically improved but we can't blame Obama.  He has tried so much to pass bills and change things, but when you you have emotionally immature, old, stubborn men in Congress, who won't compromise just because they don't want this president to get his way or be successful, it makes it absolutely impossible to improve the U.S.  I feel we have to give Barack another 4 years, just to finally put in to place all the things he's been pushing for the past four years.  I believe in him.  Still. 

I will admit, I also like the idea of a business man, who is worth a quarter of a billion dollars, contributing to the restructuring of our country.  I get why Clint and other's support him.  However, I think it should be a tag team effort. Barack in the lead with his true compassion and diplomacy.  Then we'd have Mitt as a lead consultant. Ya see, what I've learned about the extremely rich is that they are a blessing and a curse because their blessing is their curse.  They are stubborn.  They don't compromise.  They only see things one way, and don't let any other ideologies infiltrate their brain.  That direct focus, makes things manifest quicker and creates quick success!  It allows them to step on toes because their one point focused-ness will not be impeded by anything!  They have blood on their hands because of this mentality, but they are wiping the blood with the best cashmere cloths that money can buy.  I truly believe that to become as rich as some people become, you have to sell your soul a little, you have to hurt a few people.  That is the rite of passage.  But the outcome is a sort of prosperity that me and you have never known because we are not willing to play so dirty.  We aren't even close enough to the ballgame that gets that dirty.  Our consciousness is way too clean. But my point is, if we could have Barack's heart with a sprinkle of Romney, in tandem... Everyone working together to uplift the country, the world for the matter (insert a Utopic mantra playing in the back)  Then we would all reach that plateau to which we've been aspiring.  Am I just California dreaming?  Sigh, maybe not..

Well, if you ask me, and I'm going to tell you anyway, because it's my blog... I think the first step in creating the possibility of Republicans and Democrats working together, is seeing where we are similar and where the shades of grey are in our personal lives.  As much as I consider myself an open minded, free-spirited, liberal female, when I listen to the Republicans I see where I flip sides a little.  And my floppiness happens in areas where you wouldn't expect..like women and reproduction.  As much as I praise the amount of options we have, birth control, abortions, etc.. I wonder if the options lead us to live out of bounds with the natural cycles of life, which may cause emotional dysfunction, confusion and stagnation.  Which then perpetuates a vicious cycle of unhappiness in the world that no one even knows how to fix, because no one even knows what it is, because no one talks about it.  And I'm not saying that we should go back to the 1950's.  Women should have all the choices that we have, but I understand wanting a more traditional/conservative approach to life.  I might not be able to agree totally, but I can open up my mind enough to say again, "I get it." 

Anyways, to sum it all up.  I know that we all want to feel a part of a team.. We have a "this is us" and "that's them and we must all stick together," mentality!  It makes us feel powerful and more in control in our lives when we have a team, hence the success of amateur and professional sports. But I beg, let us all try to see both sides of a situation, both sides in politics, both sides in our family lives, with our spouses, and so on.  Let us all open our minds, and not bash another group just because our news channel, Facebook feed, or our programmed feelings are so use to bashing them.  Let us all take the time and see how we really feel.. And I promise we'll see more places where we are all similar.  I personally look forward to the day, that instead of the people chanting "U.S.A." at these National Conventions, that we'll all be chanting, "WORLD!"

I Have to See You

Out of the 40 or so songs I've made in my short career, I may be the most proud of this one so far.

The words and the feeling tone for "I Have to See You" were ready for years. However, every time I took it to a producer, they would try to create it through their filter of what passion, need, missing and wanting someone looked like. It simply wasn't the same as mine and my heart was never content with the creation.

Then one day I decided to produce the song myself. I got on my old lap top, turned on Garage Band and I obsessively played with this song day after day, after day, after day...until my heart felt fulfilled. I had produced songs before on a smaller level.. but this one I gave my all...studying all the intricacies of the software to make the song as piercing and emotionally driven as possible. People.. you know the saying, "If you want something done right, sometimes you gotta do it yourself..." Well bam! This is a prime example. No matter how hard of a task it may seem.. sometimes you have to commit and go for it! I promise, the universe will respond.

Anyways, with this song, I wanted people to feel what I felt... and remember when they felt the same. I wanted it to strike a universal chord. I really wanted it to. And I think it did : )

"Another Level"

Track #5

The first line of the song is "You say you like my this, you say you like my that.. If you really like it, prove it to my Cat." You can take 'Cat' on many different levels. (excuse the pun) Cat may refer to genitalia. Or Cat may refer to your instinctive, intuitive self... Or that higher self that just knows things... (a cat's sixth sense) That higher self that knows if someone really cares about you.

Speaking of genitalia, some of us are sexual creatures, and a healthy, virile man that satisfies needs is imperative. Your cat must be taken care of. It simply has to be. Hence the line, "prove it to my cat." Others of us are a bit more cerebral, and the intellectual side of us must be nurtured. Then some of us, need our intuitive/spiritual side nurtured.. where our sixth senses are pleased and our higher chakras embraced. We need relationships where we teach each other something and expand each other's lives. And then some of us, like myself, are all the above. Prove it to me in every way and I will simultaneously do the same for you.

Second line.. "You say you like my smile, you say you like my swag, if you really like it throw some riches in my bag.. I'm on Another Level.." Ladies and men, know your extreme worth. We're treasures truly. TRULY. Know it, act accordingly and your companion will follow suit. Your companion must add value to your life. Must.

Now, understand that I'm spewing all this wisdom, as I sit here single. Well kinda. But that's another story. So live your life however you wish, what do I truly know? However, ladies (and gentlemen for that matter) my point of this song is, walk tall with your power. You are a treasure. Know it. Own it. You're on Another Level.

Our Truth, Our Power, The Voice, We Must Listen

I know for so long, many of us, including myself, have been scared of our own power, the power of our minds, the power of our intuition, the power of that voice in our heads. Some have just rebuked and turned their backs on their power, this voice. Others have been blocked of learning about their power, and then there are some who just don't get it, have no idea what voice I am talking about. Hmmmm...

I do believe most of us know what I'm talking about, this voice, but we just shy away from it. We don't listen to this power, this voice. We don't do what we're told to do by this power, this voice. The voice says we could have more, we could motivate more, share more, love more, eat better, talk sweeter, learn more, make love better, dream better, focus better, be relaxed more, on time more, work out more, drink less soda, drink more water, blah, blah, blah. The voice says we could pursue that dream we've always wanted, do that artistic endeavor, take that trip, start that job, leave that job, whatever! But we don't. And that little voice that tells us to do it, do that art you've always wanted to, do those dance classes, start that club, save that money, take that risk, mentor, adopt, call him, her, buy that house, say your sorry, let them go…that voice, we just block. We don't listen. Then mayhem occurs. Our spirit doesn't trust us anymore. Our spirit feels betrayed. Then the communication, the love, stops. 

 We feel disconnected, disoriented, detached, and we can't figure out why.

A healing is in order. If we are to truly, truly love anyone or anything, we must first love ourselves. We must have complete self acceptance. Embracing the truth, the voice, is the ultimate form of self love and acceptance. It is obligatory. There is no other way to live. It is our conscious mind's obligation to fulfill. Listen to the voice, listen to yourself, your intuition, God, Allah, Jesus, Buddha, the sun, the moon, Uranus, your mother who has passed--whatever you want to call it, just listen (Quick Numerology Note: as I look up right now, the clock reads—12:21am, which is equal to 33. 12 is 1+2, which = 3: and 21 is 2+1, which = 3: You then have 3 and 3. Thirty-three is the number of the cosmic mother to the world. If you add them 3+3, you get 6. Which is even shaped like the pregnant mother. 33 is powerful communication ability, through writing, music, singing, speech, art. It is harmony. A universal love. Family. A beautiful number. Basically, looking at the clock let's me know that I'm on the right track as I'm writing.)

Anyway, I digress. Listen to your spirit. Listen to it. Make a conscious decision today to say that I will listen to you. You can say, "Guide me, tell me the next step, let me know the truth, show me the next move. I promise you I will listen. I will listen. I love you." Then watch as the magic occurs. Everything will seem to talk to you, from the clouds, to the squirrels, to the trees. There will be so many signs telling you the answers to your questions. But when you get the answers and you hear it loud and clear, you must listen. You must act. 
Listen to that beautiful voice as it tells you the sweetest, most perfect thing you can do for your self or for another or for the environment or for the world. Listen to that beautiful voice. However…if it's not a beautiful voice, if it's an ugly voice with tons of negative thoughts in your head…then train it to be a beautiful, loving, sweet voice. If the truth you're listening to is an untruth because of its negativity, it is your duty as an energy of earth to correct the train of thoughts to be more positive. If you don't know what your unconscious thoughts are, start using symbols to figure out what immediately pops in to your mind. Symbols and Divination tools are a great gift, because as you read them, or look at their picture, whatever pops into your mind let's you know what you are thinking on a hidden level (unconsciously.) You can use fortune cookies, I Ching, Tarot, the Bible, Sabian Symbols, quotes, Angel Cards, whatever.

Figure out what is going on in your mind on a hidden level and discipline it. Discipline your mind to think of only health, abundance, prosperity, love and beauty and you will have all of that. (Yes, it’s true, challenging events, death, pain will ultimately still occur because they are all a part of life. But with a training of the mind to believe in the good, your reactions and perceptions when if comes to the natural disasters of life will change. (And life is all about perception and reaction.) Train your mind through writing positive thoughts, vision boards, visualization, meditation, affirmations, focus, constant work, focus groups, bells, friends, therapists, discipline, love, whatever. Just train the voice. It is your conscious mind's obligation to focus on training the voice. Making your mind a playground of beautiful thoughts is your daily duty. Your first duty is your mind. Remember the whole mind, body, soul connection? You see the saying starts with the mind? There are no accidents. The mind is everything. Your life is just a reflection of the playground of thoughts inside your brain. So make sure everyone is playing nice. 

Accept your loving thoughts. And follow through with them whole heartedly. It is your duty as a human, as a person in this universe, on this cosmic level. That is your task. Just like a fire's task is to be fire, and rain whole heartedly is supposed to be rain, and dogs their perfect dog self, and un stifled kids are 100% living in their truth, so must we. Listen to the voice. Then act on that beautiful voice. This is power. This is God.

sex 101/hoes/virgins

I have not edited this.. a lot of grammatical errors and issues. But I wanted the stream of consciousness to be heard. so here goes:

I want to discuss this sexual epedemic between long term couples or those who are married They don’t want to have sex with one another. Now there are exceptions to this rule but for the most part, I’ve noticed a sexual dysfunction in relationships. And why is that? Really? Why can’t we just easily make love to each other in our home in a commitment, in a marriage, etc.? There’s usually some issues. I’m working on figuring this situation out because I refuse to believe that couples can’t have a beautiful, sexy, long-term relationship. I refuse to believe that. Now I understand that not every couple’s goal or their measure of success is to have plenty of sex. I understand that. But I think for at least 75% of couples out there, at least one out of the two want to have a consistent, healthy, steady flow of sex. Some couples, the issue is that the lady doesn’t want it anymore. I have so many friends that were hoes, excuse me, I use that word hoe in the highest of meanings. I don’t want the word hoe to be derogatory. I am taking the power out of it by using it freely and lovingly...

(About to slip in to a 10 minute rant right here....)

I can’t believe we have demeaned women for so many years because they enjoy sex. That is stupid. That is society’s way of controlling women’s sexuality by telling them that having and enjoying sex with different people is wrong and makes them bad women. That is complete nonsense. In the female ancestry, going back in ancient years, sex was used to heal, to share, to give, for pleasure, to transcend. Virgins had a whole different meaning. Virgin didn’t mean that one never had sex. It meant that a woman was whole—not possessed by any man. She was pure unto herself, and free. There would be vestal virgin rituals where the virgins would use their sexual skills to serve the moon goddess and bless the lives of her human devotees. Sometimes sex wasn’t even used for her own pleasure, or to procreate but was dedicated to a higher purpose, that of bringing the fertilizing power of the goddess into contact with human beings. And any child that may be conceived during these times of “hoeing” were considered divine. The child took on a special destiny in the royal succession. This promiscuous love making took place in the darkness of a sacred cave so that nobody knew who lay with whom nor who was the father of any child. This explains how origins of the legends that describe how Latin Kings were born of a virgin mother with no known father or the newborns were considered to be the son of god. In fact, many of the kings of early Rome were the sons of vestal virgins. The most famous of these was Romulus, first King of Rome, who was born to the vestal virgin Rhea Silvia. Consequently, the communities religious and political focus centered around these activities.
As time passed, however, and the patriarchal culture began to assume prominence, the line of descent shifted away from the vestals to the kings by marriage who implemented ways to retain their throne. Gradually, they extended the kinship from one year, to four years, to eight, to nineteen, until finally it became a life tenure. To further insure that the line of descent remained on the male side, the king, on the death of his wife, married either his own daughter or her heir; or arranged for his son to marry them. This phenomenon accounts for the widespread custom of brother-sister marriages within royal families during this era. As a result of the rise of the patriarchal culture, the vestal love nymphs were eventually reduced to the barren spinster nuns of the Middle Ages. So prior to these changes, sex was powerfully and beautifully used by these virgins to serve the moon goddess and bless the lives of her human devotees. That instinct is still in us now, but because society has ignored these natural pure motivations and condemned such open sexual expression as immoral and wicked—the condemnation has internalized and our modern day vestal virgins experience guilt and shame over their sexual responses.
Men too, have a similar issue. They sense the sexual needs of women and they want to serve, yet they want to remain whole unto themselves “virgins.” This causes them to shun long-term commitment and they are then labeled gigolos, heartbreakers, users, only after one thing. So what we have in society, are people who are afraid to express their sexual truth because they fear social ridicule. Therefore, they have hidden affairs or they go to the other extreme and sexually deprive themselves. It is so easy to observe the different levels of sexuality when you go to places like Amsterdam and visit their red light district, where prostitution is legal, regulated and bolstered. The last time I was there I was by myself, standing in the middle of the red light district where there is just street after street of women in little 15 X 6 ft apartments. Tiny little spaces where they are standing in the doorway or the windows, half naked, soliciting sex. This is their line of work. And there are different sections—you have the lower class, bullet holes in their legs, missing teeth, etc. You have you classic beauty, hightr priced section, your negro street with all the black women. You have your anomaly section, with trans gender, and unique fetishes. There is of course, homosexual section. You name it its around for blocks and blocks. It’s a writer’s paradise and voyeur’s paradise. So I’m standing in the middle of the red light district and this beautiful Surynam young man comes up to me. The Surynese are really prevelant in Amsterdam due to …. He comes up to me and asks why am I alone out here. A young attractive American all by herself at midnight. Why? I tell him I’m visiting and I just want to observe and that I was waiting for a sign of what to do next and sense you came right uo to me you must be the one that’s going to escort me around. Would you do that.? He says sure. Come to find out he’s a big time local drug dealer so he knows everything about the streets. He takes me to the different areas and we talk to the girls. Half of them seem quite content on a deep level. Some are quitre aloof , like this is just a job, I need to make siome money and go home. But we go up tone girl and he asks her if she would give me a tour of her room. She obliges and is quite welcoming. I believe her name was Christie. Beautiful. My age at the time 26, Aries , tall, svelte body, dark hair, white but you can tell her ancestory has some greek or Italian in there somewhere. So bright, so loving. The room is the size of a huge bathroom. With a little bed, a sink, and a lever to pull incase of an emergency. CVery modest. Very simple. I ask Christie right off if she likes her job. She gives an outstanding, “Oh yeah! I love it. Lots of freedom. I make my own hours. I only have to work a few days a week and I love having sex. But my boyfriend isn’t too crazy about it. He’s ready for me to quit. But I tell him look we’re so lucky because I only have to do this for six months then I’m off for six months then I come back. It’s great. He’ll be ok.” I ask her what’s the craziest thing she has seen. She proceeds to tell me how she has this one regular customer who begs her to wear her highest heels and then loves for her to stomp all over his feet and hands until they can hear the bones crushing then he wants to have sex. Then there is this other guy who brings a gallon of water, she drinks it then he explodes with ecstasy as she urinates all over him. Then there’s this one guy who always wants her to shit on him but she can’t do that. That’s where she draws the line. Plus it’s hard to control when you can defecate or not. But she just sends him next door because her neighbor can shit on command. It’s a skill. I aks her if she ever falls in love. She said maybe once but for the most part she stays quite detached and just enjoys the sport. I ask what if they are unattractive? She says that rarely happens. She can basically find the beauty in everyone but if it’s really bad, she’ll just let them hit it from the back. Now, after spending some time with her, I’m a decent judge of character quickly. And I must say. This was a an intelligent, grounded, mentally healthy young lady. Her decisions were clearly by choice. She is not being forced into anything. She loves her job. More than most people with “good” jobs. She is excited, stimulated, enjoys herself and everyday is a new adventure. We then leave her, say our goodbyes. But then there is another side to the story. And we come to another section where there is this beautiful African woman in the window. She’s older, mid-40’s, rich dark skin, worn, you can see the weight of the world is now taking it’s toll on her body. But she still has an innate beauty that radiates so strongly. She sees my drug dealer friend and she’s flirting, smiling, flashjing her thighs. , winking calling him over. But then I appear from around the corner and she immediately stops. She looks at me deeply, takes me all in as our eyes connect and I was overwhelmed with grief—I felt everything with just that quick connected glimpse..She quickly turns away from the both of us. I could feel how ashamed she was for a sister to see her this way. So ashamed for a young girl, her daughter, to see her this way. This was not where she wanted to be. She was so cold on the inside. So tired. So low. So depleted. I wanted to wrap a blanket around her and tell her that I love her and I see who she really is and this current situation can change so quickly. Don’t worry. I turn to Surynam as we walk away and I tell him that I feel terrible for her. She’s not happy. He explains to me that so many women come over form Africa and Surynam because they are promised that they can make a good living here form being a housekeeper,etc. So they come over so they can send money back to their kids. But when they get here they are quickly disillusioned at how hard it ist to make ends meet, yet alone support theiur family back home. So they end up being forced into prostitution out of desperation. I just started thinking how much much power is connected with the female body. You can have sex with as many men as you want as long as it’s healthy, from the heart and what you really want to do, Even if that’s how you choose to make money-prostitution, stripping, etc—if it legitimately comes from a healthy place. But it’s just a handful of women in those professions where it actually comes from a healthy place. But if it does, so be it. You do you. But when one feels that there is no other place they can go. They don’t want to but they must sell their body, they are hungry, no other way to get money, some Daddy issue, or lack of self worth, or any mental psychosis--then that’s when there needs to be a change.
I think most women think about stripping or prostitution, at least for a quick second. I spent quite a few hours on it. I’m in LA, running around auditioning, taking classes, needing new headshots, and need to go to new seminars. Plus, I just needed to keep up with my expensive Cali lifestyle, I remember telling my boyfriend that I’m thinking about stripping. It didn’t go over too well. I didn’t want to get a regular job. I’ve done all that before. Iwanted quick easy money. I figured, I like to dance, I like sexiness, and I like people. It’s a win win for everyone. Furthermore, I’m mentally healthy, I have a degree I know I don’t have to do this. But I’m making a well thought out decision to. No sex would be involved. It’s just acting. My argument diudn’t go over very well and the boyfriend had serious beef. So we compromised and I decided to become a dominatrix.

I love Amsterdam, I really do—not to mention the coffee shops they have on every corner 9when I talk about weed) I enjoy going to Amsterdam. Amsterdam is my spot, for a couple of different reasons. Basically, they enjoyed sex—loved it. They had a very healthy, open approach to sex when they use to date. But once they got engaged or married they just didn’t want it anymore. One girlfriend of mine literally cries when she has to have sex with her fiancé. And this is a girl who was basically a porn star before she got engaged. And I’m like is it because when you are first having sex it is i=s with the base chakra you are using and it’s just for the need, pleasure, lust, excitement, fun—all good things in a way—if done healthily. But whne you get into a relationship you start trying to raise higher up and get to the top charkas and there it’s not that anymore it is more of a spiritual love. Or is it because when you live wsith someone and are around someone for some time—after awhike you start seeuing them as your sister or your brother or your daddy or mommy—your buddy and the sex just dissipates? Or is it so mental and you can change that or maybe we really aren’t suppodwed to be worried anout and having sex all the time the media has just made us thik that so we‘re worried if wwe don’t have sex everyday or once as week or may be we are or maybe just everybody is different and there is no one answer you just have to do what brings you joy follow you bliss follow your joyus you do what makes you happy evety bnpdy has their own unique thing that makes them happy there ios enough of everything to make everyone happy because everybody’s needs are different. There’s such abundance. We all want and need a different type a man, woman, job, kids, trips, houses, homes, love, relationships, everyone is so beautifully different. There is no one answer. There is no one answer. There is no one answer. Except love.