Lost Faith in Humanity - Burning Man

Let me start by saying I'm grateful to Burning Man for helping me remember humanity's beauty. I've always been in awe of how fundamentally kind humans are.. all races, all nationalities, all religions, all over the world.. people are generally, so nice. Truly.  That's why I feel like I have to apologize to myself.. I know that sounds ridiculous..but I must apologize to me..perhaps apologize to my higher self. I have to say I'm sorry for allowing thoughts of race and separatism to negatively penetrate my consciousness over the last year. I'm so much better than that. Really I am. And I'm so sorry.  

However, in my defense, the constant pounding of the media, with all the "current events" had me thinking how different we all are. I started thinking maybe this race is this way and that race is that way. I started thinking that people didn't like me because of my heavily melaninated appearance.  If someone cut me off on the road, if someone didn't speak when I walked in to a store.. if someone accidentally bumped in to me while walking..I would take offense..look at them sideways..and call racism. I was never like that before. NEVER. 

The negative propaganda had infiltrated my psyche. (and I have a pretty strong, loving psyche) I can't imagine what has infiltrated other people or whether they can even admit it to themselves. Or perhaps there is nothing to admit, because they've suppressed the negativity, the prejudice, the thoughts of separatism, in to their subconscious, where it acts out in other ways..through body language, speaking tone or simply which cashier they choose at the grocery store. Oh the subconscious prejudice is the worst. It gets passed to your children, your co-workers feel it, etc etc. 

Anyway, I didn't mean to write about anything this heavy.. my point was supposed to be how Burning Man made me remember how we are all the same. ALL THE SAME. We all have the same base needs..we all want to love and to be loved. I repeat, we all want to LOVE AND TO BE LOVED.  We all want that same attentive love energy that helped nurture us to survive as a baby..love and safety. And furthermore, all of us, ALL of us, are trying to heal some pain, some loss. EVERYONE. We are all the same. Universally, we want the same things..the simplicity of that is so beautiful to me.

Thank you Black Rock Desert (Burning Man). Thank you, you magical land, full of compassion, passion and wisdom. You made me remember how beautifully connected we all are. 

Seeing all the various people, the different cultures all together, dancing, partying, and celebrating life.. Plus, all the classes/lectures, with people from all over the world, learning together..studying together, meditating together.  Oh the joy, when we can celebrate similarities and differences! 

I apologize for forgetting the kindness of humanity...our oneness, the joy of society!! A pop up party for all!

Lower Self: Apology accepted Tina? 

Higher Self: Yes..but don't let it happen again

Muah! You're the Only One I Want to Kiss..

Is it just me or is kissing one of the most intimate acts you can perform?  I hate to relate to a hooker in a movie, but I understand Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman...how she could have sex but wouldn't kiss the men.  It's so personal.  I mean, sex really is too.  But maybe it's that sex is a physicality, sometimes it's like an itch that needs to be scratched.  It's functional, it creates progeny.  But kissing??? There's no need for it.  There's no need to swap spit with someone or share in all their dental mishaps, or them in mine..or for them to spit in your mouth or for them to taste what you ate earlier, or for them to spit in your mouth.  Did I mention spit in your mouth? Because that's essentially what's happening.  Eww.  There's no need for it.  And it kinda grosses me out when I think about it.  I mean, do you know how much bacteria is in a mouth???  Do you know that when your dental hygiene is sub par, it causes many illnesses, like heart disease and stroke? (look it up)  It's like the mouth is the gateway to hell.  And don't let me get on the fact that we all have different innate smells, and some mouth smells are just not compatible with others. There are so many oral factors, that it can be overwhelming.  And I'd just rather sit out on the ball game.

But then I meet someone whose mouth is perfect..perfect teeth, gums, lips, smell, oh my!  When that occurs I just can't stop kissing them.  I want to kiss them all day.  I get lost while kissing them and start spinning in a whirlpool of love in my mind and we start licking each other's faces, caught in the rapture of a kiss, turning pure primal.. pure animals, taking the kiss to a new level, becoming one in every way possible.. Taking a break periodically to stare in to each other's eyes..grateful that we've been given the opportunity to exchange light with a spirit that is equally yolked.  In a trance, from realizing the gift we have been given to merge with another..to experience the sensual manifestation of love..! Sigh.  I love that.  I call that forth.  I call that type of love, intensity, and kiss forth.  Ohh, I'm such a Scorpio.

(Question for ya:  Is it ok to have sex with someone you don't want to kiss?  Or should you save the special gift of sex with someone you really love?)

Anyways, this song was inspired by a person I love, and love to become one with.  You're the only one I want to kiss..

Side note:  In the attached video, which takes place at my apartment, there is a beautiful floral bougainvillea bush behind me.  I planted that bush when it was 6 inches wide, 6 inches across.. Now it's about 50 square feet!!!  It's miraculous how love and beauty blooms..

CLICK HERE to check me out singing "Muah/You're the Only One I Want to Kiss"

Romance 101 Oct 2, 2012

He says he likes my smile
he says it has a glow
he asks why is that?
oh wouldn't he love to know
i said I promise I promise.
these words are the truth
you'd be smiling too
if you were walking with you..

i enjoyed our movie date sooo much.  I love the way he caressed my hand.  I was so sensual..so loving. I was so buzzing with joy.  Then the kiss outside my apartment. oh my oh my.  thank you Lord for letting me feel these feelings again.

I'm head over heels grateful.

Had a dream about B... he was with his new girlfriend.. family/poolside cookout.  She was pretty.  I was happy for him.  Still wanted him.. But I could let it go..

9/13/12 Morning Thoughts..

As tears of joy fall down my face, I'm so grateful for remembering this love that dwells inside of me.  I'm so grateful for remembering that everything I need resides within me.  It's a fact I've forgotten from 9 years ago.  And for that matter, a fact I've forgotten from before my time here.

But how does one remember this when they are inundated with "the world"?  With tv, with work, with negativity and illusion all around, all abound?

First of all, we must remember that we have no choice.  It is our job, our top priority, our most important daily task, to focus on the God within. For those of you that aren't religious and the word God throws you off.. focus on the peace and stillness within.  Nah, that just doesn't resonate the same.  I think you need to focus on the God within, the Christ, the energy that springs forth and provides more and more love.

We must make this daily desk our number one priority. As soon as our eyes open, we must remember the gift of spirit that has been bestowed upon us.  We must remember that there is nothing we have to find, receive, get back, make  happen, or make someone else do.  Everything we need resides in us.  I know that sounds crazy.  But it is the truth.  The light is within.  All it needs is acknowledgement but make it constant.  Make the acknowledgement of the love inside, the deepest most passionate love affair you ever had.   See and feel it in between your eyes, let your 3rd eye resonate, feel it rising from your heart.  It feels so good.  How did I live without this feeling for so long?

My friends.. I hope you can forgive me for forgetting the presence.  I was no good without it.  I'm so sorry that I got caught up with life.  But it was actually death that I was caught up with.. well separation.  Separation from this beautiful source that provides everything by just an acknowledgement of its presence.

I have no time to stress about anything now that this presence is so strong.

I attribute a lot of this rekindled joy to surrounding myself/dating someone who is in constant communion with "it".  Constantly reminding me of the joy of the love affair with spirit, while simultaneously experiencing the joy of the love affair we have just began.  I'm so grateful for him.  He came at the right time.. well, of course he did.

Thank you Joel S. Goldsmith.. "Leave Your Nets" has inspired me this morning.

9/6/12 Stream Of Consciousness..

Do I just feel things more?  Or do I live more in my emotions without the option of suppression?  Scratch that, I don't think I live in my emotions more.  I think I live in the world's emotions more. Is that what it is?  Do I just deal with a heaviness that most are oblivious to?  I wish I could just take a stroll down to the beach today with not a care in my heart.  Well maybe I can.  At the end, the choice of happiness is up to me.

Is it wrong to have random sex with people that are just your friends?  I'm talking long term friends.  They're not going anywhere.  But the release is what is desired by the both of you.  It could be a nice sport, while your true love is working or out of town.  Is that wrong?  Or is that life and it's ok?  Maybe we shouldn't stifle ourselves like we do.  Maybe we are blocking a joy, a peace of mind, that doesn't have to be so elusive.  I understand open marriages, yet I'm not evolved enough to fully operate in it.  There may have to be some special guidelines for me.

Sometimes I really love being a waitress.  I love meeting the new people and making them feel loved and filling their bellies.  Other times I despise being a servant.  Despise.  Moodiness has always been my shadow.

My brother and his wife's in vitro fertilization didn't take yesterday.  Pure devastation.  I keep feeling like it's a mistake.  Like I need to talk to the doctor and get real confirmation.  I'm so sorry.  Why does stuff like this happen to two people that would be the best parents ever?  Or does everything happen for a reason and maybe they didn't need to be parents at all?  Maybe there are un seen and un foreseen reasons for this obstacle.  I know on some level, I feel more than ever the need to procreate.  I feel a pressure on me to deliver the McDowelle seed.  Sigh

I worry way too much about things I can't control.  On this tv show,  I worry about coming off as an un talented, pushy, mean bitch with ugly hair and an ugly attitude.  It consumes me at night and causes insomnia.  Lord help me to let it go.  Help me to trust in greatness.  Help me to remember that the thoughts I choose right now can help to re-shape any outcome that I was worried about.  The power we have is that strong.  So in this moment.. I choose to use it.

I'm so grateful for spending time with Kam and Keyla yesterday.  Oh the joy of a happy 1 year old.  It filled my heart up like nothing else can.  Thank you.

And what a beautiful date I had last Sunday.  G is my current angel.  The gift of spirituality, services about Love, gardens, waterfalls, koi fish, books, lunch, pictures, beach, waves, little babies, great conversation, hand holding, Prince, singing, and peace of mind.  The day was priceless for me.  So healing.  I didn't know dates like that were still possible.  I'm grateful that someone would take out the time to think all that through for me.  I want to pay him back.  With more than my body.  For some reason, I'm truly not ready for that part yet.  It's amazing how unready I usually am when no marijuana is involved.  I probably would have slept with 50% less people.. maybe 75%  Not saying that that is a good thing or bad.  Sometimes experience is the best school a person can go to.

Help me to be a blessing to people.  Help me to say and be what is needed to uplift the world.  May I utilize the teachings of Yogananda and stay focused on God.  Be in love with God.  Have a romance with God where I just keep calling him forth.  That way I can share the gifts this romance has given me with the world.

I feel this new romance in my life, may require more distance than my soul likes.  My emotions need more attention.  Funny thing is, two days ago I get a call from an ex I haven't talked to in two years.  An ex that use to give my emotions constant attention.. maybe too much.  And he asked if I wanted to get married.  He said he realized I was the best for him and he wanted to marry me.  It felt so good because I too have thought of him over the years.  And I admit, it gave me pause.  I considered it.  I still am in a way.  But the truth is, he is still too scattered and searching too much.  He's now back in Texas in photography school..kinda sorta with his girlfriend.  I don't need that.  But I appreciate the beautiful sentiment.  It makes a girl feel good.  And it gets me in to practice with the man who can really propose.  Oh how my heart longs for that day of bliss.  I call it forth immediately God.  As much as I call you forth.. I call forth this forever union.  Fore, it will give me the opportunity to concentrate on you even more.

I love you.  I have a perfect heart, love, body, mind, health, abundance, hair, skin, looks, family, friends, patience and joy.  All because of you God.  And I'm so grateful.

Dreams:  In my dreams last night I kissed a girl.. kinda liked it. Pp.C.  it was kinda a long kiss. (I can't believe with how "in" it is, that I've never done it) Anyways, I worried afterward if i was good enough.  But for the most part in the dream, I enjoyed myself.  Also in my dream, I had 2 girlfriends, 2 plus me, living in my grandmothers's house.  We each had a room.  But I asked to stay in the room with all the hidden rooms..wood roundtable, Big closet, etc.  It was a dream place.  Interesting that I was living with friends.  That may be the best scenario.. with my husband coming home periodically.  Maybe that's where I'd find bliss.  Oh and a dog or two.

G was funny what he said about cats.  He said he just doesn't feel that they are supposed to be domesticated. It goes against their temperament.  There's some truth in that my love.

I Get It

Is it just me?  I enjoyed Clint Eastwood's speech.  I appreciated the unpracticed improv, straight from the heart.  I enjoyed the uncomfortable stutters of a brilliant 82 year old artist.  He spoke his truth.  Do I agree with him totally?  No!  But I appreciated it, and "I get it."  I get it more then the speeches written by a team of professional speech writers, coaching their specimen on pauses for applause and in fluctuations.  I mean, I usually can't last too long with these oratory diarrhetic spells... But Clint made me pay attention.  And the fact that we are all talking about it today is a success for The Republican National Convention. Twitter is overflowing, Facebook is buzzing.. pop culture has focused on a convention that they are usually oblivious to.  So that's a win. I know we're not talking about Romney's speech, which showed a bit of humanity and was decent. But the big picture is, his name is being mentioned a lot more than it would today, because of Clint's stage performance.. And that has to put a smile on his face.

And while we're talking, before I'm outcasted for giving praise to the Red Party, I will say that I really dig my Barack.  His spirit is so beautiful. It is glaringly clear how much he cares about the United States--about people in general.  And that's all I can ask for.  Well.. I mean, I also ask for the economy and the job situation to be better, less homelessness, less crime, education for all, etc etc.  But it's a great to start to know that the President genuinely cares about us all.  And the thing is, you really can't blame Barack for America not improving "enough" in the past 4 years (although it personally has for me)  No, the U.S. has not drastically improved but we can't blame Obama.  He has tried so much to pass bills and change things, but when you you have emotionally immature, old, stubborn men in Congress, who won't compromise just because they don't want this president to get his way or be successful, it makes it absolutely impossible to improve the U.S.  I feel we have to give Barack another 4 years, just to finally put in to place all the things he's been pushing for the past four years.  I believe in him.  Still. 

I will admit, I also like the idea of a business man, who is worth a quarter of a billion dollars, contributing to the restructuring of our country.  I get why Clint and other's support him.  However, I think it should be a tag team effort. Barack in the lead with his true compassion and diplomacy.  Then we'd have Mitt as a lead consultant. Ya see, what I've learned about the extremely rich is that they are a blessing and a curse because their blessing is their curse.  They are stubborn.  They don't compromise.  They only see things one way, and don't let any other ideologies infiltrate their brain.  That direct focus, makes things manifest quicker and creates quick success!  It allows them to step on toes because their one point focused-ness will not be impeded by anything!  They have blood on their hands because of this mentality, but they are wiping the blood with the best cashmere cloths that money can buy.  I truly believe that to become as rich as some people become, you have to sell your soul a little, you have to hurt a few people.  That is the rite of passage.  But the outcome is a sort of prosperity that me and you have never known because we are not willing to play so dirty.  We aren't even close enough to the ballgame that gets that dirty.  Our consciousness is way too clean. But my point is, if we could have Barack's heart with a sprinkle of Romney, in tandem... Everyone working together to uplift the country, the world for the matter (insert a Utopic mantra playing in the back)  Then we would all reach that plateau to which we've been aspiring.  Am I just California dreaming?  Sigh, maybe not..

Well, if you ask me, and I'm going to tell you anyway, because it's my blog... I think the first step in creating the possibility of Republicans and Democrats working together, is seeing where we are similar and where the shades of grey are in our personal lives.  As much as I consider myself an open minded, free-spirited, liberal female, when I listen to the Republicans I see where I flip sides a little.  And my floppiness happens in areas where you wouldn't expect..like women and reproduction.  As much as I praise the amount of options we have, birth control, abortions, etc.. I wonder if the options lead us to live out of bounds with the natural cycles of life, which may cause emotional dysfunction, confusion and stagnation.  Which then perpetuates a vicious cycle of unhappiness in the world that no one even knows how to fix, because no one even knows what it is, because no one talks about it.  And I'm not saying that we should go back to the 1950's.  Women should have all the choices that we have, but I understand wanting a more traditional/conservative approach to life.  I might not be able to agree totally, but I can open up my mind enough to say again, "I get it." 

Anyways, to sum it all up.  I know that we all want to feel a part of a team.. We have a "this is us" and "that's them and we must all stick together," mentality!  It makes us feel powerful and more in control in our lives when we have a team, hence the success of amateur and professional sports. But I beg, let us all try to see both sides of a situation, both sides in politics, both sides in our family lives, with our spouses, and so on.  Let us all open our minds, and not bash another group just because our news channel, Facebook feed, or our programmed feelings are so use to bashing them.  Let us all take the time and see how we really feel.. And I promise we'll see more places where we are all similar.  I personally look forward to the day, that instead of the people chanting "U.S.A." at these National Conventions, that we'll all be chanting, "WORLD!"

I Have to See You

Out of the 40 or so songs I've made in my short career, I may be the most proud of this one so far.

The words and the feeling tone for "I Have to See You" were ready for years. However, every time I took it to a producer, they would try to create it through their filter of what passion, need, missing and wanting someone looked like. It simply wasn't the same as mine and my heart was never content with the creation.

Then one day I decided to produce the song myself. I got on my old lap top, turned on Garage Band and I obsessively played with this song day after day, after day, after day...until my heart felt fulfilled. I had produced songs before on a smaller level.. but this one I gave my all...studying all the intricacies of the software to make the song as piercing and emotionally driven as possible. People.. you know the saying, "If you want something done right, sometimes you gotta do it yourself..." Well bam! This is a prime example. No matter how hard of a task it may seem.. sometimes you have to commit and go for it! I promise, the universe will respond.

Anyways, with this song, I wanted people to feel what I felt... and remember when they felt the same. I wanted it to strike a universal chord. I really wanted it to. And I think it did : )